Post University Blues

For the past few years I’ve seen so many people finish university and graduate therefore starting their exciting new graduate life. From people I’ve known for years, to those I’ve met briefly during my own university experience, I’ve seen the unbridled joy of those completing their degrees. I completely understand as I’ve felt my own sense of relief and celebration that I’ve finally finished. No more exams or assignments, and graduation is just a stone’s throw away later this month. Time for the start of the rest of my life, right?

Except soon after my exams were completed on the 7th of June, I felt two parts relief and one part ‘what do I do now?’. As with each of the previous years, I celebrated with my friends as we’ve spent the past four years together working towards this exact moment. As with each of these years, they started to leave for home soon after. Before I felt slightly lonely towards the end of the holidays as I start to miss them, this time was different as it felt altogether more permanent. Loneliness set in much sooner as my friends moved across the country whilst I’m very much stuck in Newcastle for now. An overall bittersweet feeling against the relief and happiness I’d felt a few days earlier.

After celebrations I also felt almost any motivation I had completely drop. Final year of university is hard. For me, two thirds of my degree depended on this year, and I felt the pressure from the beginning. My brain was constantly ‘on’ for about 3 months before finishing because of my dissertation and exams I had to revise for. A mix of burnout and plain exhaustion took hold where I was spent most of my time sleeping to try and make myself feel better. During my awake time I cycled through the multitude of hobbies I’d missed out on doing throughout the past year. Reading, video games and blogging are what I love, but bringing myself to do them felt almost like a chore. I ended up binge watching a lot of TV in bed, which probably added to my already lethargic feeling.

At the start of the year I made the decision that I didn’t want to apply for graduate schemes for a few different reasons (of which I won’t go into too much detail in this post). So, whilst my friends felt the stress of applications throughout the year, I’ve packed that stress into the last 8 weeks during dissertation hand ins and exam season. I’m not saying I felt more stress than others who are still applying for jobs, but it was definitely an added stress that has affected my headspace once finished. For someone who loves having a routine, it’s been a punch in the face feeling being unemployed. Especially when my efforts to get a job haven’t been going well, and I’m still unsure where I’ll be in a few months’ time.  

Each job application has started with me whole heartedly thinking ‘I can do that’ and with enthusiasm to get onto the career ladder. After all the effort made to get me here, I fully believe I can get a role in a job I truly want to do. But then the rejections came, and my self-esteem has been taking hit after hit for each one. Job hunting is a soul-crushing activity, especially as one of the key parts is to try and sell yourself. Selling yourself when you’re not truly feeling yourself gets into your head a lot. On top of this, I’ve been ghosted by many a company, and some where I’ve interviewed and then been ignored. This is a different kind of rejection and makes second guessing oneself even easier. 

Finally, I’ve experienced a large fear of the unknown. I’ve been working towards graduation for years. From gaining good marks in GCSE’s and consequently A Levels to get into University in the first place. From every job, placement and work experience I’ve signed up for. I’ve been trying to bulk out my CV and my skills because after graduation I want to get a job that I want to do. And so being in this in-between state is terrifying for me as I enjoy having goals and order and structure to my life.

Watching others on social media makes it extremely hard for me to not compare my current position. But I’ve been trying to think positively that it’s mainly because I have chosen to take a specific career path. Plus, what people post may not be the only things they are feeling. Keeping busy is also something I am trying to do, meeting my family members, and travelling to see friends are helping me get out the house, and out of the negative headspace.

These feelings aren’t just felt by me either. I’ve reached out to friends who are in similar situations to me, who share them. One of the key things that has helped pull me out of a pile of self-pity is talking to friends from school, from university and people who have already gone through this. Because they also know what I’m going through. Despite the outpouring of happiness that is often seen around graduation. It’s not always such a blissful occasion for everyone, and it should be talked about more.